Navigating Empathy with both Brain and Heart
Sitting in a tiny boat with a stranger for an hour provides a unique platform to connect or to completely sink a relationship before it starts. Last week, I might have done the latter.
I'm still new to rowing. Growing up in East Texas, I was more familiar with my dad's flat-bottom boat than those sleek and skinny vessels I saw slipping through the water in movies. But I'm not new to talking to strangers, and as an Anchor personality type, I'm curious and analytical. Sometimes, my curiosity can get the better of me. Recently, when I spent time in a boat with a young rower, she mentioned she was looking for a job. I proceeded to ask endless questions – even when I noticed her tone of voice was getting tense, and her shortened answers told me I should drop the subject. Had I put myself in her shoes, I might have remembered how ashamed I felt during times when I wasn't formally employed. In my effort to fix her situation, I missed the boat on practicing empathy, and my verbal gratitude for her skillful rowing (my attempt to make up for my lack of empathy) seemed to slide right past her.
On the other hand, I recently had a reinforcing connection with a team member. We were reviewing how a big event had unfolded, and I asked them how they were, and they replied with a perfunctory, "Great!" After a pause, I asked, "How are you…really?"… at which they laughed and told me everything that had gone wrong or right and how stressful the planning had been. I was grateful for their candor, and they were grateful to have a sympathetic ear. We have both used their insights to improve our planning and decision-making for the next event. Together, we've used the stress from the first event and are translating it into action items for the next one.
This sort of cognitive empathy, which I missed the chance to apply in one situation but used successfully in another, plays a pivotal role in fostering successful teamwork. In 9 Leader Touchstones, Dr. Jes DeShields talks about how leaders must integrate cognitive and emotional empathy to lead people well and build enduring organizations.1 The Empathy Touchstone comes from compassionate empathy, also known as empathic concern or "feeling with" empathy—combining cognitive and emotional empathy elements. She explains that cognitive empathy is known as perspective-taking empathy or 'thinking' empathy—understanding another person's emotions and point of view. The word "cognitive" distinguishes this kind of empathy, where the focus is typically on feeling others’ emotions. Instead, you first seek to understand emotions. This balanced approach keeps leaders from falling too deep into the emotional waters of a person’s experience, which can sometimes muddy objectivity. The integration of cognitive empathy gets realized through active listening and is driven by curiosity. Compassionate empathy pushes us to use our thinking brains to understand first and then our caring hearts to feel.
I recently heard an interview with Stanford researcher Jamil Zaki, who has written a crucial book on empathy: The War for Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World. His research has shown that cognitive empathy is a critical component of effective teamwork. According to a study by Zaki and Kevin Ochsner, individuals with higher levels of cognitive empathy can better navigate complex social dynamics and respond appropriately to their colleagues' needs.2 This skill allows team members to proactively anticipate potential conflicts, address concerns, and create a more harmonious work environment.
Relatedly, Zaki and other colleagues have found that gratitude of expression increases empathy.3 When team members feel appreciated, they are more likely to extend empathy to others, creating a ripple effect of positive interactions throughout the team. This underscores the importance of expressing gratitude in our interactions, as it fosters a sense of appreciation and strengthens our connections with others. These engaged teams are more likely to contribute their unique ideas and experiences, leading to a richer pool of knowledge and skills.4
Fortunately for me, Zaki's research demonstrates that empathy can be cultivated and strengthened over time, suggesting that organizations can actively promote inclusivity by investing in empathy training.5 Not coincidentally, empathy, inclusivity, gratitude, and more are all part of the leader and team coaching models at Crescent Leadership.6
Leaders play a crucial role in modeling empathy and setting the tone for their teams. When leaders demonstrate the ability to understand and respond to their team members' thoughts and feelings, they create a psychologically safe environment where empathy can flourish, teams thrive, and clients benefit. As leaders, we have the power to inspire and empower our teams through our own actions.
Next time I'm in the boat, I'm going to practice empathy in the hopes of rowing powerfully together in the same direction as my teammate.
1. DeShields, J. (2023). 9 Leader Touchstones: Unleash your team’s unique potential and build a dynamic, enduring organization. Leader-First Publications.
2. Zaki, J., Ochsner, K. The neuroscience of empathy: progress, pitfalls and promise. Nat Neurosci 15, 675–680 (2012). https://doi.org/10.1038/nn.3085
3. Zaki, J., & Mitchell, J. P. (2013). Intuitive prosociality. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 22(6), 466–470. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721413492764
4. Zaki, J., & Cikara, M. (2015). Addressing Empathic Failures. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 24(6), 471–476. http://www.jstor.org/stable/44318887
5. Zaki, J. (2019). The war for kindness: Building empathy in a fractured world. Crown.
6. Crescent Leadership. (2024) https://crescent-leadership.com/
*This post benefited from research assistance from an AI language model, Perplexity AI.